IMAGINARY WEDDING TOAST

(To two 22 year old dumbasses)

"We're gathered here today to celebrate God, magic force, whatever, bad teen lust spilt, reaping this union of two disparate kids who now think they are heaven-matched ( especially now, with wine in them and the warm confirming pressures of an event). So comfortable are they in their fate that they have presumed to give me advice ('When are you going to grow up, find somebody?'). When am I going to find my prison, you mean?

I bless you for your floundering self-serious mistake. You're happy because you're weak."

At this point the guy giving the toast is pelted with 3rd-rate risotto by one of the Salvadoran caterers manning the starch station. A table of 16 year-olds applauds this. All the adult guests are still too floored by the toast to react.

The risotto man thought it was the right thing to do. He'll subsequently lose his job, however, as the toaster nurses 3rd degree burns (from 3rd rate risotto). Risotto man argues in his simple way that he was acting to rescue the sanctity of the event, and should be given credit for his intent. He has the gumption to contact the bride's family for backup ("I was trying to unspoil your little girl's big day!"), but they are a family of jerks and don't make the required phone calls.